waking up to realizations

that this eon is elation

and my hearts embracing my

decrepit body and my crooked mind

Its all I have inside

its bringing me around to the new feeling

the new stealing of my own self worth

its all I had at first

a lack of which I had from birth

and only got worse

so now I’m high strung or sleeping

fleeting moments pleased and pleasing

seeing through the murk of me

and flitting about like a flying travesty

so make me real

with every color I adopt that isn’t

dark or overwrought with redness

feel this simple thing that comes with

a moment of pure love and acceptance

bleep out every negative thought

and censor me of cancerous self doubt

I’ll write the book on being twice

and make it worth the cover price

I’ll split and merge and dance from side to side

and I’ll still be me in mind



dancing on the edge of this

apocalyptic trance

where I just opened up my mouth

and  out poured everything I am

and I am seeing and I’m reeling

feeling twice as high as when

I took a moment to reflect of

what would come if I did this

so now she knows and I am breathing

seething with the afterglow

of knowing that this secrets free

and I am hidden no more

forethought was put into this

I swear I gave myself an extra thought

where I was questioning and the best of me

when I couldn’t help myself

I couldn’t stop once it was spoken

couldn’t take the truth away

couldn’t undo what was said

or say it any other way

and now I’m exposed and still raw

from the telling having its way

with my psyche and I might be

better off than yesterday

so its verbal and mental diarrhea

where I filled the room with truth

and let her see what I was made of

constructed me of new youth

she simply asked me one concise

and simple question at this time

what had taken me so long

and why had fears kept me in binds



caught up in textual moments at

peripheral increments

pass as I watch the screen

for that redeeming green dot

that says you thought

better of leaving forever of casting aside

this ever widening bond

where you and I are fond but not forgone

and I sent you a song

that one where madonna sings about priestly things

but it’s really about dicks and tricks and

names that stick

and i still think of you as him and he

when I know you better

i wish you were better

or better than me better you be

here with the breeze flowing

and growing up is hard

when your in your thirties

you gave me meaning helped me be me

understand my teeming beehive of

contradictory feelings

dichotomy in me blistering my being

and you seem so sure of yourself

but you aren’t who you say you are

and I’m so uncertain but certainly better off

knowing my name even if it wasn’t given at birth

so this burgeoning person that’s hurting and urgently

needing the purpose of helping you be perfect

but you left a note tacked to the window of my windows

that spoke in choked syllables and never said goodbye

I’m dying to know if it ever meant anything

trying to hold out for you ever returning

blind me with reason and kill me with hope

you’ll never even know my hearts full scope


can you hear my entitlement

sprinting from my memories and

bleeding from my eyes as I

froth from the mouth

and I doubt i’ll ever see past this

classless crass asshat

whispering in my ear that

i don’t deserve it

I’ll never deserve it

love a body worth living in

financial stability or just a pretense

of being able to be able to survive

to be alive and be without this disguise

so that echo from within that

once came from a man venomous

its lies and deceit and keeping me weak

to make me a better victim

and I’m growing past my past and

sucking out the poison

spitting out toxins

to make of me a better being

the neutral form of form springing



so you talk of dogs

and play it off like

you’re not flirting but its hurting

and the filth you reside in is enough

to keep you from going out and

being all that outgoing

but those hounds from before

are hounding you

and screaming at your dreams door

so I slip back into a dream of you

where you’re packing something extra

and I’m watching you become another you

short cropped hair and handsome now and I’m

just making up excuses

everyone is nervous

and we all don’t deserve it

so keep brooding along now if you can just

reach out now grab the phone and call me up

cause I can’t take that simple step towards

being a they that wants you done

so do me and pursue me

dye my eyes and make me ready

failing that I’ll be another step closer

to the eventual wedding

skipping steps now can you see it

me in red and you in black

this imaginary person I’m talking to

will make it work


I’m going to collaborate with this

intense feeling of distance

wherein my soul is drifting

farther away from this semblance

of family

of being bound to those who made me

and believe me when I say this is the day

where I crash through reality

twitching and turning and burning my memories

caring self serving and searching for purpose

saintly and sinning and brimming with ecstasy

spinning and turning and bringing my mind to peace

there is no finishing line to this much maligned race

humanity is a disgrace

and I am falling out of line and opting out of

being here and being left behind

of being cast aside when my truth comes to mind

when my true face turns to you and makes myself known

when I’m overblown

and pitching my new deal

where you and I are joined by only tenuous seals

so break me down as I break free

I’ll wave goodbye but I’m finally at ease

so let me be